Tell Me What I’m Feeling

So, I asked my child’s birth mom, I’ll call her Sweetheart from now on, how her teen daughter is. In the process of answering me, she told me that she has been telling her to stay away from boys and to focus on her education. She said they talk about me, and she always tells her daughter to study hard and then she will be happy, fulfilled and successful like me. (They refer to me as ‘Adopted Child’s Mom.)

What then makes my feelings even worse than they are after this line is that she then added that she tells her daughter that she must stay away from boys and not ruin her life or she will end up useless and with nothing like her-like Sweetheart.

This bugs me. I don’t want to be in any ‘competition’ with any woman. Our pasts, the opportunities we had play a huge part in who we become, together with the morals we were raised with. I am what I am mainly because of my religious principles and fancy schools my parents got scholarships for. And that agreed to take me. The first school they’d tried refused to take a Black child. And if Sweetheart’s mental health issues had been diagnosed and they’d had the money to send her for help, I know for a fact that she’d be in a better space emotionally and mentally too. She’d also be feeling fulfilled. And maybe she’d have had the support to be able to finish school.

More importantly, I hate that the daughter is being made to think of her mom as a loser.💔😭 Sweetheart has always been like this. Constantly denigrates herself, cannot forgive herself. And it hurts. I love her too much to be happy when I know she thinks she’s the worst person in the whole wide world.

I can’t define all my feelings. I wish there was a word for how I feel about her comparison between me and her. I know I’m sad that I can’t help her see her worth. And I am scared. Because we have MANY unemployed graduates in our country.

It’s more than just education that brings fulfillment and “success.” Our high unemployment rate is unfathomable. All the education they have can’t help them. I don’t want her to join those ranks because then she will say that her mom lied to her. I almost feel like I owe her a job and a happy life when she’s done with school.

All I know is, I love them dearly. And it weighs on me that she’s downgrading herself so much. And I wonder if she will be brave enough to meet our girl when or if she ever asks to meet. I knew then it was because she didn’t feel ‘worthy.’ (She said the same thing when we pitched up unannounced at her home. That she wasn’t worthy to have us in her home.) We once set up an appointment to have lunch with her daughter. She bailed on me. I didn’t question her.

We shall see. Our child is in the driving seat. For all we know, she will never be interested anyway, so it’s a moot point. We shall see…

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