I Can Walk

And I’m so thankful!

Every few weeks, my right leg loses strength while I’m walking. I get a terrible pain at the same time that makes me yell out, and I can’t put my full weight on that leg. It’s sudden and it goes away after a few limping steps. Sometimes, my husband notices I’m limping though I can’t even tell. I think my screaming back pain over-rides the other pain.

But two mornings ago was BAD. I got up to try do a walking workout. Promise I’m not overdoing it. I’m not even allowed to raise my legs yet! No stress on that core and those sutures allowed. I felt the pain a bit but it hit hard when doing a side step.

I couldn’t. The pain left me breathless and I felt like I was going to fall, that’s how little my leg could sustain my weight. I tried and tried, but that leg was so weak that I realised I was trying to pull myself up using my abs. It was scary. Really scary. I’d been ignoring those moments of weakness as it’s not like it’s daily. I had actually paid them no mind at all till a friend was like, “What!? That’s not normal!” But even then, I didn’t think to go do anything about it. After all, I believe it’s linked to my back. And my back itself is a mystery. An MRI found degenerated discs in my lower back, but a different doctor told me it wouldn’t cause that much pain. Then a different doctor told me it was functional and I needed Physio. But Physio never helped. So this, this weakness and pain thing just never became a “Let’s fix this” issue. It’s minor.

Well, it was minor till two mornings ago when it lasted longer than just a few steps. When minutes later I was begging, “Please let me be able to walk! I need to go to my appointment. How will I walk from the car in this state? I’ll have to cancel. And canceling on the day means I might be charged… Please, just let me WALK!”

Six minutes later, I could limp. And a few minutes later it was as if it had never happened. And so, I went to my appointment. That silly infection ate away at my jaw bone! I didn’t realise it was THAT bad! So I’ll keep going for x-rays and check ups to make sure it’s healing.

Before this revelation, as I lay on that chair for two hours, I had been whining to God about how tired I was of being sick. Tired of doctors. Tired of surgery. Come on! My first ever childhood memory is surgical pain. Tired of tests. How many seven year old children have endured colonoscopies?

Tired of pain. Tired of not being normal. Tired… I wanted no more doctor visits… Which was ironic because I’ll be visiting doctors and getting help for this most recent surgery for the next few months if not a year. And I have an appointment in May for complications from a surgery last year! Then she tells me I must return for x-rays and let her know should I have any complications.

That was so not what I wanted to hear.

But, it is what it is. So I thanked her, paid (endodontists are EXPENSIVE😭😭), and walked out.

I walked out.

And for that, I am grateful. It could have been worse that day. But it wasn’t. I walked yesterday and this morning without a problem.

I walked. And by faith, I will walk the rest of today too.

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