I Bash Black People (this time.. again)

I’m not gonna lie, no race is superior. I don’t fall for that king and queen stuff. Not here in South Africa.

If anybody is going to say anything negative about my hair, it’s 100% going to be a Xhosa speaker. Yes, there are some who yell out that love my locs, but ALL the negatives are from my mother’s people.

This week I was walking into a pharmacy and the female guard asked me if this was my hair. I told her yes, no extensions. She then asked me why I don’t combine my locs to make them thick instead of thin.

Do you know how many times I’ve been asked that? Why does MY hair and what it looks like bother random strangers whose views I have not solicited? Why do they feel the need to share that they dislike the thickness (thinness) of my locs? I don’t get it.

We are weird.

Oct 2020 is AFTER the 1st attempt to repair my muscles

My twins stretched my stomach muscles and split them apart. I had the biggest gap between my abs that each surgeon I saw had ever seen. Those who know diastasis recti know that it can leave you looking like you have a bump.

My emergency c-section was brutal. The doctors told me to lie down, not to carry a baby even at home because of how bad things were inside. After some weeks of dealing with pain and sleepless twins (We had to sit up carrying them in order for them to sleep, and they would wake up a lot. It was torture!! We e even looked for someone at church to help out at night so we could take turns sleeping but she wanted to be paid so that didn’t last long.)

We were tired.

I went to the shop for the first time since they were born. Xhosa cashier says, “Shame, you look so tired and you’re still in early pregnancy.”

I told her, “No, I gave birth to twins six weeks ago. We aren’t getting any sleep day or night.”

Her, “Your stomach is so big! Why don’t you tie it up so it doesn’t look so big!?”

I could have cried. Since childhood I’ve been told I look wrong. That very stomach she’s talking about, I did try wrap it with a postpartum wrap but it was SORE! And what did my appearance have to do with HER!?

If anybody is going to make you ( or at least ME) ugly, deformed, bad… It WILL be one of my people. You have no clue the old wounds your negative comments open up besides the immediate, “Excuse me! reaction these sudden comments cause. This Monday, we went to my parents’ place. It was my first time since my third surgery to try fix my stretched muscles. After we got home, my husband asks, “Wait a minute. Did your mom ask how you are recovering? They acted concerned when I told them you were not there the other day because you’re recovering, but I didn’t hear her ask you.”

Me, “She didn’t. You didn’t hear her ask how I am because she didn’t care to know.” It’s easy to tell me I’m fat, but not to ask how I am.

(Incidentally, I’m not ok. In general, and specifically post-op. I’m swelling more and pain has increased instead of getting better. On Thursday, I sent photos to the employee who’s been doing lymph drainage massage to try get rid of the swelling, telling her I’m worried.

Yesterday, Friday, I saw her. She sent photos to the surgeon telling him she’s worried. So much for my silent meltdown in the Endodontist’s chair earlier in the week, when I hoped to be normal. )

Even a strong, healthy, confident, no worrying children woman will get tired of hearing that there’s something ‘wrong’ with their appearance, something objectionable.

But add a history of it coming from someone who ought to love you and protect you, who to this day doesn’t know how to love, add a present of worrying about children and dealings with constant pain, and you have someone who is very fragile.

One of my non-Black friends with two developmentally ok children is seeing a therapist and also has her mom to talk to. But she is overwhelmed too. Despite the loving support. Therapists would be good, but most of us Black people can’t afford them. We have an abundance of problems and very few kind/objective, listening ears that care. We have an abundance of meanness. My child’s birth mom’s very beautiful daughter daughter has beautiful skin. She’s probably like me… Gets mocked and teased over her apparently too dark😡 skin tone and it hurts. I recall a cashier when I went to the shop with our adopted daughter (above in photo) for the first time. Chubby 3 month old. They asked where she came from because I didn’t look pregnant etc, then one packer adds, “She’s so dark! Look at her ears! She’s going to be navy when she’s older! Wow!”😡

We need to keep quiet instead of inflicting further psychological harm on each other.

This unasked for negativity happens to women with large breasts too. Told by random Black people that it’s obvious they were sexually promiscuous and allowed men to suck on their breasts too much. Yes, for real. Many women. We don’t make SENSE. Or that they are like a cow and can feed a calf. Imagine already feeling uncomfortable, having pain from bra straps digging into you, having a bent back from the weight, (I’ve had a reduction twice-once at 13, and then last year- and I have seen many people even worse than I was and I was bad enough to qualify for medical aid to pay for the surgeries) then people throw rubbish at you.

We NEED to keep quiet.

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