Thick Skin

I don’t have it.

Yesterday, we visited certain family members. The wife said to me, “I’m glad you’ve gotten fat. I’m Xhosa, and our culture loves fat.” (Explains why I was told I’m mentally sick when I went vegan and lost weight while their truly extremely overweight adult daughter has never been criticised for her fat, oily diet. Found her KFC box in their fridge.)

And I immediately thought, “This is why I hate coming here. All you have EVER is nitpick or comment on my appearance. If ever someone could trigger someone into an eating disorder, you’d be the one.”

No offense to fat people, but it’s no goal of mine. More importantly, I’m a health lover and fight to not be fat.

Thankfully, when I told my eldest brother the last time this woman told me I was fat, he affirmed that I was not. That she was being cruel and seeing what didn’t exist. That meant a lot. And he meant it because they’d seen me soon after the twins were born and his wife had said, “Even after twins, you’re not fat!?”😂

And another couple that visited, the husband said, “You didn’t get fat! That’s amazing considering you were not allowed to move for so many months!” To which his dear wife replied, “Yeah.., I did though! I need to exercise!” She did lose the baby weight.

I have gained weight. (4kg) How could I not, when I’m not allowed to exercise properly, and when my body itself doesn’t let me? And when I’m now 41? But this I keep telling myself, “Fat people don’t wear size small clothing like you do. Even size extra small tops hang on you. Don’t you dare do anything silly to try lose nonexistent ‘fat.’”

In the midst of my insecurities, I’m also thankful that my husband has also told me I was fussing over nothing. That he sees no fat. I need that.

Becoming “fat” isn’t a train smash depending on why and how far you’ve become.

But it is evil to say it when it’s a lie.

More importantly, I remember the autobiography of an anorexic who had become one because her grandmother kept telling her from childhood she was fat.

Like most anorexics, she almost lost her life trying to get thin.

This person has taught me how NOT to be. Everything they are, is toxic and hurtful and I want different for my children. I want my daughters to feel they are indeed fearfully and WONDERFULLY made.

I refuse to let this woman’s voice down out what my brother, the visitor, and my husband have told me. I am not what she sees when she sees me. I’ve NEVER been what she sees when she sees me. (Ugly, looking like a boy, red lipped and embarks as if I’m a drunk and on and on…)

I am kind, loving, strong, self-sacrifice, an awesome mother. I wish she’d see ME.

3 thoughts on “Thick Skin

  1. I’m sorry. You are beautiful (literally in and out). I personally have gained weight and they’d comment on it and I’d tell them I enjoy my body and ndifuna ubaqum-qum (nice round cheeks) like them 😂😁.


    1. There was a photo of yours in pink, I think, where I could see the weight gain. Thanks for keeping me company!😂I’ll never be that skinny girl I was in varsity. And yep, we tend to stick our minds on the weight and forget the important issues.


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