My Daughter, and Auras

My daughter’s birth mom sent me a message❤️We love each other so much!

My 7 year old daughter asked me on Sabbath if I can’t “take the ADHD” out of her “brain.”😭 And talked about all the other “problems” she has. (We have continence issues too on top of the speech, muscle, visual processing and skin picking.) I’m pretty sure you’d also feel more bitter than sweet hearing your child constantly wishing she was different.

I’m hanging on by a thread. A very thin thread. My little non-speaking miss kept wanting her big brother to carry her. But she’s HEAVY. And his back and arms are starting to complain. When I try carry her, it pulls at my internal sutures causing pain, and she also prefers big brother. The other day she screamed for him but he’d been walking around with her for at least an hour. I told him to just hide. Ignore her screaming for him and rest, just for a bit. (He couldn’t. He loves her too much to let her cry.)

There are seasons in life where you just have to admit that there’s more bitter. But unlike my complaining friend, I’ll never keep quiet about the sweet.

Which brings us to auras. As you can tell, I’m sick and tired and SAD. I feel like I should look like I’m 80 years old. I’m struggling to not show I’m not ok.

Yet people don’t see how I feel. Does suffering change you? Like some saints or martyrs who inspired the Reformation? Suffering but almost shining like Moses when he’d seen God?

On Friday morning, I got someone for the first time. Let me start again. I had a morning helper. At least that way my prolapsed bladder and back deal with the sweeping and mopping, but rather with laundry, cooking, teaching and marking, food prep and medicating. I only do dishes once a day and my back gets more rest.

I unfortunately had to let the young lady who’d been helping me since September go. So I put up an ad and was overwhelmed by a deluge of applicants. Sadly, life is hard but I can’t afford to cover increased costs of living so I won’t have help on weekends nor on Thursdays, but it’s sure better than NOTHING! I fetched the poor lady who was hopelessly lost and late.

She kept staring at me. Like she was going to say something. Kept sneaking glances and just looking so .. emotional. After she left, she sent me a voice note. She told me I’m “parenting with grace,” and said a lot of nice things including, “I really love you! Ok, no, that’s too soon. But you have such a beautiful spirit.”

Wow, thinking about it makes me want to cry. You KNOW how words have been used to beat me down. To make me feel ugly and pathetic. Like I’m living a valueless life. Yesterday she sent a Mother’s Day song. Well, she sang to me. “You’re the best boss… So full of grace… God bless you…”

Thriving by grace.🤔

Then on Sabbath, we visited old friends, and one of their friends was also there. Someone we’d (again like my future helper) never met before. I got this from our friend in the middle of the night. Now I must say, I’ve got friends who are always lifting me up. But they know me. They didn’t just suddenly act in love with me from day one😅

Yoh! Can you imagine how this got me!?? Me? An aura like an angel? By the end of the visit I was in so much pain that I was basically lying down on the sofa. But she saw an “energy” that I surely wasn’t feeling. Instead of feeling “inspiring,” you can tell that I’m the one who needs to be inspired.

But somehow people aren’t seeing me. It’s like the mom radiographer doing my mammogram who said, “I bet you’re not a shouting mom. I can see you carry yourself with grace.”

I generally feel like how I said I was in my previous post. Sometimes in less pain, but also feeling like I’m not enough for my children. Or just not enough in general. Yet people see a LOT. A lot that I’m not feeling.

This is why I ask if there’s a radiance like that of Moses. He was tired of a stubborn and constantly moaning people, yet because of His close relationship with God, God’s glory rubbed off onto Him and people could barely look at him. His years of suffering, his years of exile, his difficult task didn’t mark him. The years of being a prince and now a leader didn’t make him proud either. He led with humility and grace. (Most of the time )

My husband was laughing at me after listening to the Mother’s Day song. “What a weekend! Everyone is in love with you after just meeting you.”

That’s the SWEET! Though I can’t claim to be God’s confidante like Moses was.🙂 I can’t “fix” my children. But I can “parent with grace.” (Lead my little band with grace. I pray I never lose it like poor Moses did in the end. I want to reach my goals.)

Told you I will always find SOME sweet😊

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