Damned if you do…Damned if you don’t.

I might be completely wrong, but birth mothers in the US who safely relinquish their children, who are in open adoptions are viewed quite sympathetically. The idea I have is that many people get it, they understand.

It’s not the same here. If she abandons her baby in a field, she’s evil.

If she gives birth and kills the baby, she’s evil.

If she leaves the baby in a warm, safe place where s/he will be found VERY quickly with a note detailing his history, she’s evil and the police hunt her down. A mom did just that. Left her baby in a taxi where passengers would find him. Had written a note saying why she couldn’t raise the baby. (No job. No ID to apply for a very inadequate social grant. Father wanted nothing to do with baby. Wanted child to live and not starve to death.) She was found and instead of being lauded for giving the child his ‘story’ so he knows why he is not in his family of origin, instead of it being acknowledged that she’d placed him where he’d be found quickly, she was on trial in court.

If she tells the nurses she plans to relinquish the baby she’s about to give birth to, she’s evil. Some have even had their legs forced shut and been told, “Rather that baby not be born than to be thrown away.”

If they plan an adoption while pregnant and their baby is one of the VERY few to find a home, they’re evil. A friend of mine, her child’s birth mom had to leave her job at a well-known (to us) supermarket because her colleagues constantly made painful and cruel comments about her not raising the child.

If she tells people that her child is loved by the forever parents, she’s evil. A birth mom in our adoption group once stated how she was in a taxi and got a phone call from a friend, asking if she’d given birth yet and how the baby was. She told the friend how she’d chosen parents for the baby, how she was receiving videos and photos of the baby and very sure he’s loved. She was verbally assaulted by a passenger for “throwing her child away.”

If she plans with the child’s father, hides the pregnancy, has his buy-in and he even helps stick to her resolve when she wavers, she’s evil. I know one whose ‘baby daddy’ would threaten during arguments, “I’m going to tell people you gave my baby away like she’s nothing.”

They are damned if they do (the safe thing,) and damned if they don’t (abandon their children safely.)

Any wonder they prefer to hide the pregnancy and give birth somewhere in a field, leave the baby and pretend they didn’t give birth? They already live with their own guilt. To have society also adding to the shame and regret is unbearable. Not saying murder and unsafe abandonment is right. But who wants to constantly be TOLD they are evil for keeping their baby safe and healthy when they already believe they are? (“She will never forgive me for giving her away💔” and “I’m scared my son will not understand that I couldn’t even feed myself. I had to ask friends for blankets to keep warm. How could I care for him when I was homeless? But he won’t understand… He will hate me.” ) Such people are vilified by society for finding families for their children.

THAT’s evil.

2 thoughts on “Damned if you do…Damned if you don’t.

  1. One guy mentioned how black folks like to tell people how to live their lives. It’s so sad. People always have something to say, even though it’s not for the benefit of others.

    Honestly, it’s a strange concept in black communities. I get it. But blacks have adopted relative’s kids and some in the community, but it’s rare. But still, it’s not our place to judge / be opinionated. Just glad that some kids find loving homes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly it!! You’ve hit the nail on the head. Blacks like to tell people how to live! And always have something to say even if it won’t benefit the hearer. We don’t even weigh up if it’s morally wrong. Ethically wrong… We are just quick to talk. And usually in a discouraging or mean way. 😞


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s