Unconscious. Or subconscious?

Yesterday morning, I woke up and for a brief moment felt so euphoric! Till I came down to earth with a painful thud. I’d obviously only dreamt it!.

My little girl has been sitting on the sofa and I came in and said hello to her.

She responded, “Hello mommy!”

It was her slightly atonal voice! She greeted me! I was ecstatic! I thought, “Let me try something else she’s never responded to.

“How are you?”

And again she replied! “I’m fine.”

I can’t express the joy I felt! My child was able to communicate using speech! I looked forward to seeing the neurologist (real first appointment coming up) that she’d just started talking to me!

Till I woke up and realised it had been a dream. My heart ached so bad yesterday.

But also, I was trying to be thankful. It could be so much more painful. Too many mothers in an autism group I’m in are confronted by poo smearing in their unable to be toilet-trained autistic children. Playing with their saliva is another one… Her symptoms could be harder to handle. But that reaction in the dream and the one upon realising it WAS but a dream show me one thing.

I may insist that in don’t MIND that my child doesn’t talk to communicate. But, deep down I obviously really DO. I’m trying to fake a peace I obviously am not feeling yet.

I get the feeling God understands my sorrow and won’t hold my unconscious discontent against me. My firstborn is the one she spends time with the most. But he’s also autistic. So he doesn’t understand all her body languages’ communication.’ I have to tell him what she wants and I feel worried when I’m not there. Speech would help her… Speech would also enhance how we bond. But we are already bonded in our special way anyway. (If I whip my phone out, she immediately wants a selfie. Everything else stops!❤️)

Hair wash day. Ignore the towel

In the meantime, I also delight in how her world DOES includes words. They may not communicate with me, but the words do communicate the knowledge she has. (Excuse the crazy swinging. I’d started shouting with the phone upright and didn’t want to switch to a wider view after having already begun.)

She also knows letters and shapes and colors. Sometimes her animals are switched up.😊 cos instead of rabbit or something like that. And she’s so sure when she says it.❤️These videos..I go to them when I want to hear her voice. She only speaks when she watches these videos and we don’t watch all day long! Also, she usually just sings what she knows. But this evening, she even added, “Old Macdonald had an elephant!” She only usually mentions the actual farm animals mentioned in the song. It was COOL to see a shift.

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