Paranoia

Well-founded paranoia.

“Don’t wait too long before getting treatment… Damage that occurred before surgery cannot be reversed… Claw fingers, and eventually can result due to muscle wasting -these cannot be reversed… If you’ve had symptoms for longer than six weeks, get treatment… Before surgery, there might be treatment options to try…”

It’s been 10 weeks and no treatment yet. My medical aid plan is big on hip and knee specialists, putting the ones they cover in hospitals they pay for. But shoulder, elbow and HAND specialists!😫😫I can only find ONE. ONE! And he’s only available in September. It’s still the middle of August. I don’t know e we geb ‘treatment ‘ itself would be once I’ve had that initial consultation with him. I tried one who isn’t paid but is at a hospital they cover. Medical aid pays 100% med aid rates for such doctors. I made the appointment. Then I thought, “But wait. How much does HE charge? I canceled the ovarian op because the surgeon charges 200%, what if..?” So I called back. He charges 300% med aid rates.

That was the end of that. I canceled the appointment I’d have had yesterday 😭

The ONE on our plan is only available September 5th. I keep hoping the GP imagined decreased strength two weeks ago. Will I regain that? And I keep hoping to wake up without worsened issues.

Any wonder I’m having nightmares? I dreamt last week that I woke up and could no longer feel with my hand. I therefore couldn’t pick anything up or good it as it kept slipping out my hand. I cried, “Oh no! I waited too long!”

This week, I dreamt I DID see a surgeon. But he had no clue what my problem is called. And suddenly, I forgot the name. I tried looking for it in my WhatsApp messages to friends but couldn’t find the actual diagnosis. I was frantic, because the surgeon refused to treat me without knowing the name. And in the dream I thought, “See!? I shouldn’t have canceled the other surgeon.”

I then get scared that I’m paranoid over nothing and I’m imagining the numbness and tingling. Till I touch where the nerve is in my elbow and ZING, intense pain and shock as if I’m being electrocuted travels from elbow to my last two fingers.

It’s real.

And I have three weeks to hopefully finding out I can fix it without surgery. Did you know how bad anesthesia is? Even LOCAL (or regional??) I thought it was only general that has a negative impact on you. (Eg. Dementia) And I’ve had too many surgeries to count. I saw one journal that stated that “risks are even higher in patients who had two surgeries in a year.” I’ve averaged two a year since 2019! And this year will be three if I need surgery for this.

For the first time ever, I’m not in a good space with my health. It’s compounded by how I didn’t know that rheumatoid arthritis is dangerous. I thought it ONLY damaged joints. I didn’t know my heart, eyes were at risk too.

And I didn’t back on my asthma being out of control. I missed one dose at night and paid. Had to stumble out of bed to get my inhaler.

PS. That’s the one positive. I’m finally sleeping in a BED! Sleeping on my arm brings out symptoms, so I’m trying to sleep on my back or on my left side. I’ve NEVER been s back sleeper, and my abdomen still hurts and feels like I’m pulling my incision apart. But no, it’s eight weeks post op. I should be fine now.

And that’s it folk. My health is not healthy and my mind is not at rest even when I’m asleep.

Hoping for stability and slow progression of disability.

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