What a Pathetic Mother

From the very day my twins were born to now, almost three years later, I’ve spent every birthday of theirs not allowed to carry them. This year’s birthday will follow the same horrible trend.

Recovering.

This is even worse because my one twin is cutely obsessed with me at the moment. She comes yelling for me, wants me to feed her, so things for her. sit down with her..it’s hard enough balancing her needs and the dishes or dirty floor I’m busy with. Now I’ll be recovering yet again and not allowed to lift her.

The adult adoptee we lost to suicide, who I post about quite a lot, would have understood. She posted quite a bit about feeling inadequate. Hating being in pain and not being a good mom because she can’t play like other moms can. I would end up in tears because I know exactly what that feels like. I just didn’t know it could get worse. My in and out of theatre life hadn’t picked up. Before this, I’d averaged a surgery every three years. Now it’s many each year.

I wish she was still alive.

Those tests they do to test your nerve are PAINFUL! The doctor was lovely but the tests! And the pain lasted till after I got home. If ever I had any doubt, it’s been erased.

The orthopedic surgeon asked how I felt. Right now I don’t have muscle wasting so we are in a good place. But I’ve lost low strength. I’ve been dropping things this weekend. So we can’t afford to wait and watch too much longer as any further damage can’t be undone. I told him I keep wishing I’m imagining the problem, that it’s all in my head. He said we’d then have a bigger problem cos then we wouldn’t be able to fix it.😅 True! It would be more difficult to fix! (Ever read The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat?)

I just want it over with. Not only this upcoming surgery, but all surgeries. I wouldn’t mind a bit more normality and less cutting and general anesthesia in my life. I don’t know how I’ll manage the twins when my teens are doing their exams from next month. It’s not like I’m going to be allowed to even pick them up. Forget the issue of there being two of them with two totally opposite interests. (My walker-runner still likes to walk and run. My other one likes to be in the lounge playing with a doll or play dough or drawing.) Add not being able to dress them, change them, get them in and out of bed and we have a slight problem.

This will all be over one day. And I can’t wait.

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