Totsiens. Auf Wiedersehn.

Hi everyone,

I started blogging to link up with others in my shoes. Unfortunately, the only type of response I’m getting is one that shuts me up. If I tell you what I saw and heard and the ONLY response is, “Hmmm, I’ve never heard of such..” can you imagine what that does to someone who is in a very precarious mental state?

If you told me you’re in various grief groups and you had heard from others that being told that they will ‘get over it’ caused them to want to scream, how would it feel if the ONLY response you got was from someone grieving who responds with, “ Hmmm, I’ve never heard of any grieving person reacting that way to being told that?”

It comes across as if you are lying. Maybe if it was followed with, “ that’s hectic! I didn’t know it could be so triggering.” it would be different. But it’s the second time now that what I know is valid (because I’ve READ and watched it unless all the people saying it are fake autistics) has been responded to as if I’m lying.

This is not a safe space for me. And seeing that this is the ONLY type of comment I get to such posts, it makes it even worse. I am not finding moms or aunts or grans like me. I’m not finding fellow adoptive moms with children like my middle two.

I’m at a point where I am drowning. With my older two, I could share what we were doing and how it was working. At this point, with the challenges the middle two are facing, I need someone to tell ME what works! I’m not finding it on Facebook. Instead, the mother of a 22 year old recently asked the same kind of question that I’m struggling with NOW regarding my seven and eight year olds. Talk about feeling hoepless.

I have no clue what curriculum to use. I cannot afford a special school. I don’t know how to prepare them for the future when the future demands more than they can give. (Ie. From our understanding, they need Grace 10 certificates. But our children will not manage Grade 10 nor are there formal assessments for the types of curricula that ARE semi-manageable. And put heavy emphasis on “semi,”

I am stumped.

I am still in extreme pain.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t type truth when the only response is, “Hmm..I’ve never heard of that. I’ve only heard of…” It’s too ambiguous. Am I being called a liar? Or is someone saying that they are learning something new every day?

I don’t have enough ‘*spoons’ to try protect myself from online strangers. To try think the best and try decode ambiguous responses.

As my husband commented the other day, “ You look so tired and sad.”

I need support. And blogging ain’t it.

Thanks for having read.

This was how I thought, assessed and hopefully gave glimpses of a different world.

Maybe one day we will meet in heaven where everybody will be energetic and happy.

I can’t wait.

(*The Spoon idea apparently comes from a lady who has lupus. I first saw it in one of my chronic pain groups. The point is (in my words) that when we wake up, we aren’t refreshed and energised, we are already under heavy strain. Each thing that we need to do requires a certain number of ‘spoons,’ and our spoons don’t replenish. Like the spoons in your drawer. When you put one in the sink, you have one less. So, here I am, it’s the morning but I didn’t sleep at night. And if I’m not physically confronted by what makes me worry, it’s on my mind as I try find information, or look for Maths curricula that are helpful for those with dyscalculia…. I have used up a few spoons. I use some more just to get dressed, paste a smile on my face and talk cheerfully ALL DAY LONG no matter how much pain I’m in or how irritating the constant buzzing of questions are. Questions that remind me of the needs because of the phrasing, the lack of understanding of a sentence I had already tried to make as easy to understand as possible… Then more spoons to parent or teach the others…

And you end up without enough spoons and you collapse. So to deal with a stranger taking away my much needed spoons isn’t healthy nor useful.)

2 thoughts on “Totsiens. Auf Wiedersehn.

  1. I’m so sorry you aren’t getting kind responses, or finding what you were hoping! I do hope you know, though, that your blogging has been very encouraging and educational for me. Thank you for all you have poured into your blog. If you decide to stop blogging, I understand, but if you don’t, I just want to let you know that every post is read and appreciated, and that’s just talking about me, not any other bloggers. Thank you again for your honesty, and for sharing. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! That’s so kind. I’m thinking of perhaps password protecting my special needs posts and sharing the password via email with readers like you who have been there consistently’ liking’ each post. I hope the password I see under your profile works. If not, please send me your proper one at

      Liked by 1 person

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