Adoption Tears

I never knew this could ever happen. I truly didn’t. What triggered this post was a (Black) friend who’s adopting as a single mom through foster care. She met a little boy while volunteering at a children’s home and immediately knew that that would be her son. Except nobody knew if he was even adoptable. (They decide based on history. Was the child found abandoned? Or was the child handed to foster care and has family visiting?) We were told that even if it’s some random uncle who only comes once in two years, if he refuses to allow the child to be adopted, then the child languishes in care till age 18. Then they’re out on their own.

She went from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, seeking the social worker who was originally in charge of his case… Nowhere to be found! After months, her telling them she wants the little boy, they eventually assigned a social worker to liaise with the children’s home and the place where he was going. She’s taken him home now that a social worker has been assigned, has sent him to school, but he didn’t even have a birth certificate. So, yesterday she received it. His ‘first’ one. The one BEFORE he’s actually adopted and is known as her son! It was jarring. She’s named him but because it’s his ‘original’ or ‘first’ one next to mother and father, it’s blank. No mother. No father. ‘Ever.’

That broke my heart. And then there was the endorsement at the bottom. It says “informant” and the ID number. When we asked our social worker why our child’s birth certificate had an endorsement, she said it’s because a social worker (typed in as ‘Informant’) is the one who registered the baby and so because it’s not normal, they have an endorsement. It jars.

Our children deserve parents. They don’t deserve some endorsement that shows they weren’t registered by their mothers. So that too, broke my heart. Then I thought of my OTHER child’s endorsement.


We’ve kept these old birth certificates. As ugly and sad as they are, they are our children’s history.

And as I wept over this boy who is so loved by my friend that she’d fight this hard and so long only to still be at step one of the process, I thought, “What is so dark and evil in people that they would want innocent children to remain like this? Known as ‘abandoned.’ No parents. Waiting in a children’s home for parents who will never come?

As stated before, I’ve recently become estranged from an aunt because of her and my mother’s stance against adoption. I haven’t visited my mother since my aunt made it clear they were together in this. (Husband has gone once to drip off grocery, bedding and electricity.) Not sure how to handle it. I knew, but I didn’t know how bad and deep and strong the hatred of my children was. I told my mother-in-law two years ago that seeing as she wanted to act like my adoptees were nonexistent, that I too would be. So, I know how to make it clear that my children are my life and to hate them is to hate ME, their mother. But as to how to bring it up…

I asked in adoption group if anyone else had had this kind of experience. One Indian lady responded but didn’t say what excuse was given. A White mom said that for her, it was the fact that it was a Black baby that they were adopting that made her husband’s family anti adoption. It became so bad that her husband who had adopted with her (obviously), then told her either the baby must go, or he would.

She kept the baby, and husband is now an ex. Loser! And well done to her! Sad, though.

But racism…That’s always existed. I have always known we were viewed as inferior. I didn’t know that babies in general were.

A Black mom who also had biological children before adopting also responded. She has no living parents and was very close to her maternal aunt. Extremely close. Until she told her they were going to adopt. The reason the aunt gave was that she was going to bring bad genes (Ie. Bad behavior, potentially criminal) into the family. Umm, what about all the unsavory family members her family (and many I know) have? The blood is tainted anyway! And who is to assume this poor baby would be ‘messed up’ anyway?

Her aunt who claimed to be Christian but refused to see how adoption is God’s heart, eventually also withdrew her love from her. And that’s what hurts. Why is love conditional? And why is it only conditional against those who adopt? Why not against the thieves and alcoholics who are working but don’t contribute a dime while living with their aged parents, stealing their money instead?

Why are we adoptive parents doing what we all know is RIGHT, hated for doing so?

Why do they hate innocent children?

Those children deserve the world. And by hook or by crook, we will give it to them, whether our relatives want us to or not.

For us, love makes family, not shared genes.

Those innocent children come first.

I hope things change one day. I’ve told you that in general, Blacks are anti adoption. Yet the majority of abandoned children are Black.

Doomed by hateful uncultured ‘culture.’

Things have got to change. Here’s to all the women who have bucked the elders and followed their hearts. Here’s to dealing with years of heartache and pain. Here’s to raising children who will become wonderful, loving adults.

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